片名：超能玩很大 Absolutely Anything (2015) 來源：原創翻譯版本中文字幕
倒計時30秒 Thirty seconds and counting.
動力轉換完成 Power transfer is complete.
現在啟動運載火箭內部動力 We're on internal power with the launch vehicle at this time.
倒計時20秒 T minus 20 seconds and counting.
二級運載火箭已增壓 All the second-stage tanks now pressurised.
倒計時15秒 火箭內部制導啟動 T minus 1 5 seconds. Guidance is internal.
12 11 10 9 Twelve, eleven, ten, 9...
點火順序啟動 Ignition sequence starts.
6 5 4 3 2 1 Six, five, four, three, two, one,
倒計時結束 所有運載火箭發動機已啟動 zero. All engines running.
火箭已升空 Lift off! We have a lift off.
在1972年 And so in 1972,
宇宙神半人馬座運載火箭發射升空 the Atlas Centaur rocket blasted off from our planet,
用四級運載火箭發射了一枚探測器 a four-stage rocket that launched a probe
進入到宇宙深處 way out into the blackness of space.
探測器將使用太陽能作為能源 The probe would use the energy from the sun
並且利用臨近行星的引力 and the gravitational pull of our neighbouring planets
衝出太陽系 to cross our solar system.
這個動量會持續到 That momentum would then carry it on
探測器所能探索宇宙的最遠處 into the farthest reaches of the universe.
探測器的任務就是在宇宙深空中 The mission, to find intelligent life similar to ours
尋找和人類相似的外星智能生物 out there in deep space.
探測器攜帶一塊鐫刻的金屬牌 The probe carried a tablet which had inscribed on it
上面刻有一個男人和一個女人的圖像 the image of us humans, a man and a woman,
以及一張地球在宇宙方位的地圖 and a map to locate us in the universe.
第四級運載火箭斷開 探測器將繼續它的漫長旅程 Stage four disconnects and our probe is fired on its long journey.
整個世界希望它一路順風 The world wished it bon voyage
並且盡可能的在宇宙深處 and may it find a friend out there
找到外星朋友 in deep space.
非常感謝 Hey!. Thank you very much. Thank you.
很高興見到你 Thank you, nice to see you.
歡迎各位 Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
當我在圖書訪談節目上採訪尼爾 克拉克時 When i interviewed Neil Clarke for The Book Programme,
我就知道他非常特別 i knew he was extraordinary.
現在 隨著他這本精彩小說的發行 Now, with the publication of his brilliant novel,
書評人協會同意將他列入 reviewers agree he's joined the ranks
大英作家名人堂 of Britain's immortals.
女士們先生們 有請尼爾 克拉克 Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clarke.
首先我想先問一下 Um, so i suppose i wanted to start off by asking you
你是怎樣如此透徹的洞察現代人的內心世界 how did you manage such amazing insight into the soul of modern man
而且你是怎麼知道男人和女人內心的渴望 and how do you know what men and women really want,
以及人類宇宙之間的關係的 just really the whole relationship between humanity and the cosmos?
凱瑟琳 我認為我成功的原因就是 Yeah, well, i think i probably achieved that
首先觀察自己的內心世界 by looking into my own soul, Catherine.
我研究它的缺陷 Um, i studied its flaws,
它的潛能 它的渴求 its potential, its urgent needs.
我聽到它在哭求幫助 i listened to its cries for help...
而且痛苦的尖叫 ...and its yelps of anguish and, um, i...
我在書中 i spent five long years
花費5年時間希望打開人們對內心世界的感知 in a book which i hoped would throw open the doors of human perception
避免讓自己陷入一片茫然 and allow us to be engulfed in a sense of our own futility.
非常抱歉 Sorry about this, it's...
快閃開 Get off!. Down!
啊 -Ah!
天啊 Oh, God.
去看電視 Go watch TV.
你的狗在亂叫 Your dog is barking.
因為你按門鈴它才亂叫的 My dog was barking because you rang the doorbell.
因為你的狗亂叫我才按的門鈴 i rang the doorbell because your dog was barking.
你的房屋租約上註明不能養寵物的 Your lease says no pets.
好吧 它是條導盲犬 Well, he is a guide dog.
你不是盲人 You're not blind.
我更喜歡聽別人說我是視覺障礙者 i prefer the term "optically challenged".
你也不是視覺障礙者 You're not optically challenged, either.
菲奧娜 你住在我3層之上 我覺得... Fiona, you live, like, three floors up. i mean, i don't...
如果你不管好這條爛狗 if you don't control your bloody dog,
那我就把它送到寵物之家 i am going to get it sent to Battersea Dogs Home. Right?
-明白了嗎 -好吧 -Hmm? -All right.
來吧 丹尼斯 我們出去給你潤腸通便吧 Come on, Dennis, let's go and evacuate your bowels.
來吧 丹尼斯 Come on, Dennis.
來吧 Come on.
-嗨 尼爾 -嗨 凱瑟琳 -Hi, Neil. -Hi, Catherine.
真有趣 我剛剛還夢到你 Hey, it's funny, i was just dreaming about you.
真的嗎 Really?
我夢到你在給我的小說頒獎致辭 Yeah, you were presenting me with an award for my novel.
那你配得上獎盃嗎 Oh, did you deserve it?
我雖然很驕傲 但是同樣很謙卑 Well, i was proud but humble.
那你在現實當中完成這部小說了嗎 Have you finished it, actually, in real life?
當然 馬上就完成了 Absolutely, almost, yeah.
因為你去年春天還在寫其中幾個章節 Cos last spring you were on chapter...
我在編輯修改 實際上 我已經刪除那些章節了 Yeah, i've renumbered them. in fact, i've removed them.
-是嗎 -是的 -Oh. -Yeah.
我發現所有的章節都平淡無奇 所以刪除了 i find the whole concept of chapters just gets in the way so...
嗯 看出來了 Yeah. Yeah, no, i can see that.
我想讓讀者閱讀的時候 像被吸入到一個巨大漩渦中一樣沉浸其中 i want reading it to be like being sucked into a giant vortex, you know.
-就像瀏覽臉譜網 -好的 瀏覽臉譜網 -Like going on Facebook. -Like Facebook, yeah.
說的真好 That's a good one.
像被吸入到一個巨大漩渦中一樣 "Like being sucked into a giant vortex."
丹尼斯 你怎麼能讓我說這種尷尬的話呢 Dennis, why do you let me say things like this, hey?
來吧 Come on.
嗯 Hmm. Mmm?
啊 Ah.
上面寫著他們為和平而來 人畜無害 they say they come in peace and mean no harm to anyone
-雷 一共就花20英鎊 -我不下注 -Come on, Ray. it's only 20 quid. -No, i can't, Neil.
-不會有損失的 -不 -Yeah, but it can't lose. -No.
今天你上完課之前 Look, i guarantee you a 50% return on your money
我保證不會損失超過一半 before the end of classes today.
你什麼時候才能拿到布克文學獎 So when do you make your move on Miss Booker Prize downstairs, then?
我才不稀罕 這個獎沒含金量也沒遠見 Oh, i don't. Turns out she's a bit literal-minded, no foresight.
而我卻可以看到未來的幾英里遠 Whereas me, i can see for miles into the future.
尼爾 男人需要女人 A man needs a woman, Neil.
-我有丹尼斯 -丹尼斯是雄性 -i've got Dennis. -Dennis is male.
如果你仔細觀察 它還是條狗 And he's a dog, in case you hadn't noticed.
我不想讓我的生活複雜化 Yeah, well, i don't want to complicate my life.
這才10英鎊 This is a tenner!.
快步走吧 Walk!
他們為什麼老是展現裸體形象 why do they always show themselves without any clothes on?
不過 我們仍然需要評估這顆星球 叫什麼來著 nevertheless we must assess this planet,what do they call it...
地球 earth
正在訪問地球人最具代表性的圖像 Accessing representative images of earthlings.
智力低下毫無尊嚴 that's not very wise or dignified
我們這是讓他們脫離水深火熱 it would be a kindness to put them out of their misery
我們必須遵循適當的法律程序 we must follow the due legal process
銀河系高等物種理事會法庭現在開庭 the court of the intergalactic council of superior beings is now in session
我們將要用被審理物種的語言進行交流 Communication will be carried on in the language of the species to be judged.
抱歉 我聽不明白 i'm sorry, i'm not understanding.
啊 Ah.
-好點了嗎 凱莉 -好多了 莎倫 -is that better, Kylie? -Understanding you now, Sharon.
通過銀河系高等物種理事會賦予我的權利 By the power invested in me by the intergalactic Council of Superior Species,
在此 我下達對地球毀滅的命令 i hereby pronounce a destruction order on the planet Earth.
在給這些地球人證明自己的機會之前 With great respect, Sharon, we should not pronounce a destruction order
崇敬的莎倫 我們不應該下達毀滅令 before we've given these earthlings a chance to prove themselves.
他們秘密滲透到銀河系當中 They've penetrated intergalactic space.
莫林說的對 Maureen is right.
他們明顯不是高等物種 They're clearly not a superior species.
看看他們交配的蠢樣子 Look at the way they copulate.
如果這些地球人 if these earthlings
可以證明他們是高等物種 也許可以讓他們加入我們銀河系社會 can convince us that they are superior beings, then they may join our society.
如果他們不能 我們必須為了整個銀河系社會福利安康 if they cannot, we must eliminate them,
我們就必須消滅他們 for the moral well-being of the entire intergalactic Community.
莎倫 謝謝你解釋的這麼細緻 Thank you for explaining it to me, Sharon.
沒什麼 巴克女士 Not at all, Miss Barker.
格蘭特 我不想和你說話 No, Grant, i don't want to talk to you.
也不想見到你 No, i don't want to see you, either.
去年我們度過了美妙的一夏天 但是結束了 We had a great time last summer but it's over.
你不明白結束的意思嗎 What part of over do you not understand?
感謝你的來電 再見 Thank you for calling. Goodbye.
你的這些破事讓我覺得 These questions of yours make it sound as if i thought
這個該死的作家還能繼續說兩句話 this bloody author can string two words together.
他可以 他寫的是一部精彩的作品 But he can. it's a wonderful book.
親愛的 你沒看備忘錄嗎 我們是個毀滅別人的行業 Darling, didn't you read the memo? We're doing a demolition job.
但是每個人都說這是他寫過的最好的作品 But it's the best thing he's ever written. Everyone says so.
這就是為什麼我們站在至高點吐槽他們 That's why we have to pee on it from a great height.
請在中午之前寫下10個新問題 i want ten new questions, please, before noon.
她從不看書 她恨圖書 Don't you know? She never reads the books. She hates books.
那為什麼她還要做一個圖書訪談節目 Why is she presenting a book programme, then?
有麻煩了 i spy trouble. Just...
凱瑟琳 你可以鄙視她的自負 Look, Catherine, you may despise her ego,
這也是觀眾為什麼喜歡她節目的原因 but that's what people tune in to see.
不是圖書 不是作者 上帝保佑 Not books, not authors, God forbid,
費奈拉的猖狂 激情澎湃 激起慾望的自負 but Fenella's rampant, pulsating, sexually arousing ego.
不 我認為觀眾是因為這是圖書節目 而且他們愛看書 No, i think people watch because it's a book programme and they love books.
圖書行業已經終結了 Books are finished.
我們的工作是用文學作為掩飾 Our job is to provide scandal, gossip and character assassination,
來提供醜聞 緋聞和人身攻擊 with a thin veneer of literary respectability.
那麼我們不光沒底線 還沒節操 Oh, so we're not just selling out, then? We've sold out?
正確 Exactly.
拜託 笑笑 For God's sake, smile.
貴到讓你痛苦欲絕了吧 it's enough to make you weep, isn't it?
什麼 What?
這罐酸黃瓜啊 那你更不能看醃鯡魚的價格了 The price of pickles. Don't even look at the marinated herring.
貴的都想讓你自殺了 Honestly, you'd be suicidal.
反正我都不想買 i didn't want them, anyway.
謝謝 Thanks.
我還提供蘸醬 果脯 意大利面醬的指導意見 Um, i also offer support and counselling on dips, dried fruit and pasta sauces.
她走了 She's gone.
-莎倫 開啟常規測試吧 -凱莉 開啟常規測試 -The usual test, Sharon? -The usual test, Kylie.
隨機選中一名地球人 One earthling will be chosen randomly,
根據銀河系手冊來判定他的善惡 as defined by the intergalactic Manual of Good and Evil.
第56頁 B段 Page 56, paragraph B.
第56頁 D段 Uh, page 56, paragraph D.
好的 Uh, right.
為了證明他們明白善與惡 To prove that they understand the difference between good and evil.
他們怎麼證明 How will they prove it?
他們將會得到高等物種所具備的能力 They will be given the power that all superior beings have.
這個地球人可以為所欲為 The earthling will be capable of doing absolutely anything.
如果他用能力做壞事呢 What if he uses his power for evil?
地球將會被毀滅 The Earth will be eliminated.
如果他是做好事呢 But if he uses it for good?
那我們將歡迎他們加入銀河系大家庭 Then we welcome them to the intergalactic Community.
先生們 準備好了嗎 Are we ready, gentlemen?
地球人隨機選擇開始 Commencing random selection of earthlings.
數據處理中 Processing...
地球人 Earthling.
好極了 Jolly good!
等等 Wait!
選中 Selected.
這個地球人有十天時間來用超能力行善 The earthling has ten days to prove he can use absolute power for good
而不是為惡 rather than for evil.
天啊 God.
混蛋 Fuck you!
他們要求我的工作就是去嘲笑那些寫出精彩作品的作者 All they want me to do is help them sneer at people who write wonderful books.
我的製片人要求我去挖掘阿曼霍特普三世的醜聞 Well, my producer just wants me to dig up dirt on Amenhotep iii.
我一直跟他們說法老本性善良 i keep telling them he had a kind nature
還有一雙溫柔的手 and lovely hands.
我真希望和阿曼霍特普三世共度一夜良宵 i would have loved to spend an evening with Amenhotep iii.
羅西 他已經去世4000多年了 Yeah, except he's been dead 4,000 years, Rosie,
而且他會一直聊關於防腐的話題 and he'd spend all day long talking about embalming.
那給我找個活著的帥哥吧 Well, find me a good one that's still breathing.
也給我一個吧 tell me about it.
格蘭特怎麼樣 What about Grant?
格蘭特上校有點問題 Oh, well, Colonel Grant turned out to have issues.
-問題 -神經病問題 -issues? -Yeah, like being clinically insane.
真丟臉 Shame.
也許有點誇張了 Maybe that's overstating it.
只是有點強迫癥 佔有慾和大醋罈子 Uh, just obsessive, possessive and pathologically jealous.
你樓上那位鄰居怎麼樣 What about him upstairs?
哦 他想在超市挑逗我 Oh, he tried to cheer me up in the supermarket.
那麼他是同性戀了 Oh, so he's gay?
什麼 What?
他富有同情心 關心別人 有空閒時間 Well, he's sympathetic, interested, available.
-這才是真正的生活方式 -他不是同性戀 -That's the way life works. -No, he's not gay.
他很討人喜歡 He's...very likeable.
克拉克先生 Mr Clarke.
嗨 Hi.
克拉克先生 你這是本月第十二次遲到了 This is the twelfth time you've been late this month, Mr Clarke.
我被車撞了 Yeah, i got knocked off my bike.
昨天你食物中毒 星期五的時候你說以為是週六 Yesterday you had food poisoning. Friday you thought it was Saturday.
星期一的時候你說忘了把表調成夏令時 Monday you forgot to put your clock forward.
每個人都那樣做啊 Oh, everybody does that.
上個星期三你說和達賴喇嘛有個約會 Week last Wednesday it seems you had an appointment with the Dalai Lama.
我可以給你看照片 Yeah, i showed you the picture.
你上次和邁克爾 傑克遜約會的時候也這麼說的 That had Michael Jackson in it as well.
他是個偉大的人 Well, he's a great man.
偉大到去世之後還能和你合影 Great enough to appear in photographs when he's dead.
克拉克先生 你就是個沒有責任感的人 You, Mr Clarke, are totally irresponsible,
你懶散 沒有價值 you are idle and you are feckless.
沒有價值 Feckless?
是的 沒有價值 Yes, you are without feck.
如果能找到替代你的人就好了 if i could replace You, i would.
我也這麼想的 Yeah, well, so would i.
我也是找不到替代我的人 i just don't have anybody to replace me with.
你熱衷滑雪嗎 You a big skier?
我確實特別喜歡 Well, i've had my moments.
你好啊 美女 Hello, gorgeous.
今晚我們倆去喝點雞尾酒怎麼樣 AA制吧 How about cocktails for two this evening? Go halves?
雷 上一邊去 Drop dead, Ray.
好吧 你考慮一下再來找我 All right. Think about it and get back to me.
真黏人 Knob.
-尼爾 -怎麼了 -Neil? -Yeah.
如果你能為所欲為的話 你想做什麼 if you could do anything, what would you do?
親愛的尼爾 來點罐頭裝的老鼠肉還是來點戰爭受害者的燉肉 Hello, Neil, love. Tinned mouse or fricassee of war victim?
請給我來點烤校長的肉 B女士 i will have the roast headmaster, please, Mrs B.
真有你的 You are a one.
-給你 -謝謝 -There you go. -Thank you.
請給我來點蒸鍋菜 B女士 Uh, i'll have the casserole, please, Mrs B.
雷先生 盡情享用吧 如果你不吃的話 You'll enjoy that, Mr Ray. As long as you don't eat it.
我是說如果你能心想事成 為所欲為 No, i mean, if you could make anything you want happen,
你想做什麼 what would it be?
我會讓丹尼斯吐出它吃掉我寫的三章小說 i would make Dennis regurgitate my notes from chapter three.
如果你能做些超常的事呢 if you could make something impossible happen.
讓紙完好如初 intact.
如果你能讓人崇拜你呢 What if you could make someone worship the ground you walked on?
即使是她認為你是個混蛋 What, even if she thought you were a little shit?
雷 別這樣 Come on, Ray.
那對一個單純的女孩不公平 That would be taking an unfair advantage of an innocent girl.
好吧 假設你能做一件事 OK, but suppose there was one thing you could do
讓你的生活更加美好 that would change your life for the better?
那簡單 我會讓外星飛船摧毀10班的 Oh, that's easy. i would make alien spaceships destroy 1 0C.
聽起來像是學校裏面傳出來的 That sounded like it was in the school.
快閃開 Out of the way! Out of the way!
都退後 Stand back, stand back.Stand back, stand back.
保持冷靜 Now, just stay calm.
我的天啊 Oh, my God!
那是誰 Who was that?
來自銀河系G946區的好人加特 it was the Salubrious Gat of Galaxy G946 WOT.
加特 你在幹嘛 Gat, what do you think you're doing?
莎倫 我只是練習 Just practising, Sharon.
我們還沒有進行司法複查 也許我們還不想毀滅這個物種 We haven't done the judicial review yet. We may not want to destroy this species.
你開什麼玩笑 Who are you kidding?.
445349722個我們遇到的新外星物種 445, 349, 722 new alien species encountered.
授予銀河系高等物種理事會 Number granted membership
會員資格的物種 of the Intergalactic Community of Superior Beings?.
一個也沒有 Zero.
那是我們標準高 We have high standards.
你內心就是想消滅他們 You know you're going to wipe them out.
這取決於地球人做出的選擇 it all depends on the earthling.
經濟復甦的跡象漸行漸遠 And signs of a recovery seem as far away as ever.
嗨 Hey.
嗨 丹尼斯 Hello, Dennis.
丹尼斯 你就不能等我回來再拉 Oh, Dennis. Couldn't you have waited?
現在連線在事發現場的 We can now go live to our reporter Brenda Emmanus
前方記者布倫達 埃梅厄斯 at the scene of the incident.
事情發生在金布克綜合學校 It was here at Kinbrook Comprehensive School
一場爆炸奪取38條生命 that an explosion killed 38 pupils.
一位警方發言人聲稱不排除恐怖襲擊的可能 A police spokesman said they could not rule out a terrorist attack
但是跟此處不明飛行物出現的報告 but say there were no connections with reports
沒有直接關係 of a UFO sighting in the area.
校長羅伯特先生 The head teacher, Mr Robert...
丹尼斯 就是一搜外星飛船干的 Oh, sure, Dennis, it was an alien spaceship.
你在說什麼 What are you talking about?
如果我能讓一搜外星飛船摧毀10班 if i could make an alien spaceship destroy 1 0C,
那我就不會拿著這把狗屎鏟無所適從了 then i wouldn't be farting around with this, would i?
我可以說 i'd just say,
狗屎 把自己清理乾淨 "Dog mess, clean yourself up."
沒錯吧 See?
這是今天震驚後的幻覺 it's just shock.
一定是今天震驚後的幻覺 it's just post-hallucination shock. That's all it is.
丹尼斯 根本沒有外星飛船 對嗎 i mean, it couldn't have been an alien spaceship, Dennis, could it?
根本不可能有 i mean, it just, i mean, it couldn't have.
天啊 Oh, my God.
是我的筆記 That's my notes.
該死 Ah, damn it!
威士忌回到瓶子裏 Whisky, go back in the bottle.
看到了嗎 什麼也沒發生 See? You see? There's nothing. it's nothing.
什麼也沒發生 There was nothing. it's nothing.
威士忌回到瓶子裏 Whisky, go back in the bottle.
天啊 Oh, my God.
我要先揮手才行 i have to wave my hand.
威士忌 替換成單一麥芽威士忌 Whisky, exchange yourself for another bottle, a single malt.
快回來 Hey, come back!
芝麻快開門 Door, open quick.
不要那麼快啊 Not that quick.
我不是讓你去商店替換成單一麥芽的 i didn't mean go back to the shop to get exchanged!
關門了 it's closed.
糟糕 Oh, shit.
-抓到你了 -丹尼斯 幫幫我 -Gotcha! -Help me, Dennis!
-抓到罪犯 -幫幫我 -Priority. -Help me!
丹尼斯 別出聲 Shh, Dennis, be quiet.
糟糕 Oh, shit.
好了 娘娘腔 你被逮捕了 -All right, laddie. You're nicked.
我和丹尼斯在家吃晚飯 Me be at home having dinner with Dennis.
真噁心啊 Oh, yuck! Chumzy!
警官 如果你洩漏一個字 就派你去處理社區糾紛去 You say one word about this, Constable, you'll be on community relations.
天啊 10班的人 Oh, my God. 1 0C!
讓所有死人復活 Uh, let everyone who died be alive again.
天啊 Oh, God.
不 我是說10班死去的人復活 Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No, i meant everybody in 1 0C be alive again!
肯定不是讓所有死人復活 你瘋了嗎 Obviously. Not everyone who's died ever. Are you crazy?
糟糕 Shit. Shit.
讓那次爆炸死去的人復活 And everybody who died in the bomb blast that is alive again,
而且完好無損 be completely uninjured.
糟糕 Oh, shit, shit, shit!
讓我感覺好點 Uh, OK, me feel better.
好多了 Oh, that's better.
讓我接下來想個好主意 Me have a really good idea about what to do next.
真是個好主意 Oh, that's a good idea.
讓那次爆炸從未發生過 Um, let the explosion never have happened.
我是說如果你能心想事成 為所欲為 No, i mean, if you could make anything you wanted happen,
你會做什麼 what would it be?
你說什麼 i'm sorry, what?
我是說如果你能心想事成 為所欲為 if you could do anything, what would you do?
真奇怪 我好像夢到我心想事成了 That's very weird. i think i just dreamt that i could.
什麼 What?
心想事成 我夢到我揮揮手說幾句話 Do anything. i dreamt that i could just wave my hand and say such-and-such
就可以實現 and it would happen.
那你做了什麼 So what did you do?
我讓外星飛船摧毀了10班 i made alien spaceships destroy 1 0C.
好想法 Good thinking.
我會讓桃樂茜 普林格爾崇拜我 i would make Dorothy Pringle worship the ground i walked on.
你不會那麼殘忍吧 You wouldn't be so cruel.
歡迎收看圖書新聞 Hello and welcome to Book News,
這個節目會讓你瞭解有什麼新書 the show where you get to know what books are coming to you
而作者會瞭解到自己有什麼不為人知的秘密 and authors get what's coming to them.
出版圖書的簡介有什麼不為人知的內幕 What's the truth under publishers' blurbs?.
為什麼作者們的宣傳照片總是比實際年輕10歲 Why do writers' photographs always show them looking ten years younger?.
收看本節目來一探究竟 You've come to the right place to find out.
今晚我們的第一位嘉賓莫蒂默 斯坦利 Our first guest tonight is Mortimer Stanley,
最新出版了一部名為《睜開眼睛看世界》的小說 whose latest novel is entitled What You See With Your Eyes Open.
莫蒂默 你上一部出版的小說距今快十多年了 Mortimer, your last novel was published nearly ten years ago.
那部小說得到了褒貶不一的評價，並且發售不到3000本 it got what they call "mixed reviews" and sold fewer than 3,000 copies.
是什麼讓你還有勇氣書寫下一本小說 What possessed you to write another one?
我妻子去世了 Well, my wife was dying.
你們分居了是嗎 You were estranged, weren't you?
是的 但是她臨終前敦促我一定要寫下一本書 Well, yes, but on her deathbed, she urged me to write another book.
她知道她將永遠不會看到了吧 Knowing that she would never have to read it?
是的 Well...
費奈拉抱怨你沒有告訴她 這個作者在商店行竊的事 Fenella's complaining that you didn't tell her about his shoplifting conviction.
詹姆斯 他當時才14歲 而且這件事和他的作品無關 Well, he was 14, James. it's got nothing to do with his book.
也和這檔節目無關 凱瑟琳 Well, neither has the show, Cath.
讓費奈拉煩惱的是你誠實的問題 Listen, what upsets Fenella about you is your integrity.
但我確很喜歡你這點 But me, i quite like it.
好好表現 你就可以擁有一間獨立辦公室 Play your cards right, you could get your own office
更大的辦公桌和開闊的景色 with a bigger desk and a view.
呃 Um...
失陪一下 Sorry. Excuse me one second.
記住 要好好表現 Mind you, you've gotta play your cards right.
你過來幹嘛 What the hell are you doing here?
-不給我個香吻嗎 -請走開 -Don't i get a kiss? -Please go away.
凱瑟琳 這對你不公平 That wouldn't be fair to you, Cath.
這是一個讓你重新認識我的好機會 This is a wonderful opportunity for you to get to know the real me.
那我叫保安了 Well... i'm calling security.
不僅是因為我是一個充滿魅力和野心的軍事家 No, not just the charming, high-flying military strategist.
是保安嗎 Hello, security?
還是一名充滿創造力的表演家 Not the inventor of extreme rendition, either.
405室有一名闖入者 Yes, i've got an intruder in room 405.
或者說一名棱鏡門的幕後策劃者 Or the mastermind behind warrantless domestic surveillance.
只是一位愛慕你的謙卑軍官 Just a humble officer who adores you.
格蘭特 我很感激你喜歡我 OK, Grant, i appreciate that you like me...
喜歡 你怎麼能這樣說 你覺得我是那些偽君子嗎 Like? Like? What do you think, i'm one of these cardboard cut-outs?
喜歡 不 是奉承 是崇拜 Like? No. No, no, no. Adulate. Worship.
我不崇拜和奉承你 OK, well, i don't adulate or worship you.
我從沒真正喜歡過你 i don't even really like you.
這就是我為什麼讓你離我遠點的原因 So that's why i'm asking you to just go away and leave me alone.
-我還有希望嗎 -一點都沒有 -So there's some hope? -No, no, no. There's no hope.
凱瑟琳 我穿越整個英格蘭來看你 Cath, i came all the way to England to see you.
你還沒看出來我多在乎你嗎 Doesn't that show you how much i care about you?
我光看出來你有強迫癥了 這可不是我想要的性格 No, it shows me that you're obsessed. Obsession's not a quality that i admire.
真的嗎 Really?
上校 我覺得這位女士想讓你離開 i think the lady wants you to go, Colonel.
你在英國廣播公司工作嗎 You work for the BBC, don't you?
是的 i do.
你知道誰實際控制英國廣播公司嗎 You know who ultimately controls the British Broadcasting Corporation?
在北卡羅來納州布拉格堡 A little guy that used to work down the hall from me
一個小傢伙曾經為我工作 at Fort Bragg, North Carolina.
這是他在工作之餘創立的公司 And he did it in his spare time.
親愛的 回頭見 i'll catch you later, honey.
在一個派對上 我正在做紀錄片 而且喝醉了才認識的他 it was a party. i was doing a documentary. i was drunk.
我就是這樣的女人 Judging me.
天啊 Oh, God.
讓10班變成模範班級 善良又體貼 Let 10C become a model class,kind and considerate.
而且勤奮好學 Oh, and eager to learn.
-下午好 10班同學 -下午好 克拉克先生 -Good afternoon, 10C. -Good afternoon, Mr Clarke.
請翻到73頁，閱讀整章內容 Um, could you all turn to page 73, please, and read the entire chapter?
-整章內容 -是的 -What, the whole chapter? -Yes.
-太好了 -太讓人激動了 -Oh, good. -How exciting!
他竟然允許我們閱讀整章內容 He's letting us read the whole chapter!
-太好了 -那你開始閱讀吧 -Great. -Well, you get on with it, then.
讓校長變得對我非常友好 Let the headmaster be nice to me for a change.
你表演吉他的方式真是無法形容 And what you did with the guitar quite beggars belief.
這絕對不是聖歌的演奏方式 That is not how Kumbaya goes.
尼爾 真高興見到你 Neil. So good to see you!
你今天穿的真好看 很合身 i love what you're wearing. it really does, it's just a great ensemble.
和你之前穿的衣服有些相似 So similar to what you were wearing before.
但你自由散漫的工作態度 But your laissez-faire attitude to work is a great counterpoint
很符合我的工作指導理念 to my by-the-book approach.
尼爾 真高興有你這樣的教職工 Great having you on the staff, Neil.
-謝謝 -沒事 -Thank you. -Right.
耶 Yeah!
他一定非常愛你才會飛躍太平洋來看你 He must love you an awful lot to fly across the Atlantic.
他只是不能忍受失去任何屬於他的東西 No, he just can't bear losing anything.
格蘭特在乎的 我只是一份他丟失的東西 As far as Grant's concerned, i'm just a piece of lost property
他希望把這個東西收回 擺在他家壁爐上面 he wants to retrieve and put back on his mantelpiece.
他真可怕 而且很瘋狂 He was really scary. Crazy.
我之前有個男友也是這樣 i had a boyfriend like that once.
這種人不接受拒絕 The sort who wouldn't take no for an answer.
那發生什麼了 Did you? What happened?
我嫁給他了 i married him.
埃裏克森 你懂那些浪漫的語種嗎 法語 意大利語 Mr Eriksson, you know the romance languages, French, italian...
是的 普林格爾小姐 我就是教語言的 Yes, Miss Pringle, i teach them.
我很好奇 為什麼要叫法語 意大利語 Well, i was wondering how they got their name?
-是古羅馬時期這麼叫的 -其實是根據拉丁語叫的 -it's to do with Rome, ancient Rome. -it's from the Latin.
這些語言聽著這麼浪漫是巧合嗎 So it's just a coincidence that they sound so romantic?
實際上 我認為這個那些國家的經濟有關 Actually, i'm thinking of switching to economics.
哦 Oh.
他真是 He is...
讓普林格爾小姐崇拜雷 Let Miss Pringle worship Ray.
雷 Ray.
我他媽的可以為所欲為了 i can do abso-fucking-lutely anything.
耶 Yeah.
讓我變成美國總統 Me be President of the United States.
呃 Hmm.
真奇怪 That's funny.
讓我變成美國總統 Me be President of the United States.
-真幸運讓我們找到您 先生 -什麼 -Thank God we found you, sir. -Sorry?
我們找了您半天 We've been looking for you everywhere.
天啊 Oh, my God!
救命啊 有人開槍 Help! Help! Guns! They're shooting!
Move, move, move!. Move!.
真抱歉 總統先生 i am sorry about that, Mr President.
這是一份關於敘利亞 財政赤字 Now, here are the briefing papers for Syria, the deficit,
以色列和中東 天朝 全球變暖 israel and the Middle East, China, global warming,
失業問題以及北極野生動物保護區的簡報 unemployment and the Arctic Wildlife Reserve.
他們在開槍 They're shooting!
讓我回家變回原來的自己 Me be my old self at home!
我能心想事成 i can do anything.
但是我內心最渴望什麼呢 OK, but what do i really want?
讓我的丁丁變大 Give me a really big dick.
哦 Ouch!
不用那麼大 Ouch, not that big, obviously!
讓丁丁變回原來的尺寸 Just... Dick, return to the old size.
哦 Oh!
讓我的丁丁變得有異性緣 OK, um... Let me have a penis that women find exciting.
很好 可以讓它白一點嗎 Yeah, it's good, yeah. Can i have it in white?
好的 Right, OK, um...
讓我有一副完美的身材 Let me have a really great body.
喔 Wow.
不 No.
不 讓我有一副偉人的身材 Um, no, look, no, look, give me the body of a great man.
這是什麼鬼 不是變成愛因斯坦 What the fuck? Not Albert Einstein.
讓我有一副完美的男性身材 Let me have the great body of a man.
讓我現在可以透視樓下的凱瑟琳 Me be able to see Catherine from downstairs, now.
糟糕 Shit.
讓我看不見她 Let me not be able to see her.
我不是想變成盲人 No, i don't mean me go blind.
讓我能穿透地板看到她 而不是讓地板消失 Let me be able to see but floor be as it was.
來自樓下的凱瑟琳 忘記剛才發生的事 Uh, Catherine from downstairs, forget what just happened.
快閃開 Move out of the way.
保持安靜 Thank you. Quiet, please. Quietly.
-雷 -嗯 -Um, Ray? -Hmm?
你還記得我們之前關於為所欲為的討論嗎 You know earlier on we were talking about being able to do anything?
-當然 -好的 -Oh, yeah. -Yeah, well, um...
聽起來很蠢 但我確實可以做到為所欲為了 This is going to sound kind of stupid but suddenly i can.
-可以什麼 -為所欲為 -Can what? -Do anything.
就是心想事成 Just make things happen.
不可能發生的事 我一揮手就搞定了 Things that shouldn't happen, i just wave my hand and they do.
你還好吧 You feeling OK?
請看 Yeah, um, just look.
告訴我們你是誰 You, tell us who you were.
你們可能不相信 我曾是個魔術師 You'll never believe this but i was a conjuror!
我就是偉大的阿爾弗雷多 i went by the name of The Great Alfredo.
真名是 雷吉 霍斯金斯 Real name was Reg Hoskins.
我參加過很多俱樂部 私人派對的活動 i did variety, clubs, private parties, the lot.
這是什麼 三維投影嗎 What is this? 3D projection or something, right?
當然 好漢不提當年勇 Course, it's all gone now.
-全怪外國佬 -嘿 -i blame the wogs. -Hey!
都是黑鬼藝人的問題 All that black minstrel stuff.
一旦他們允許 Once they started allowing that...
這可不是我說的 That's not me, that's what i'm saying. it's...
猶太人掌管了經濟 一切都不復從前了 Jews took over the business. it was never the same again.
快去跳窗戶吧 Just go and jump out the window.
好的 看著點 Right-o. Watch this.
什麼 What...
-你怎麼坐到的 -我不知道 -How did you do that? -i don't know.
我敢發誓剛才一個骷髏說話了 i could swear it was the skeleton talking.
-沒錯啊 -好的 -Yeah, it was. -OK.
讓我看看你還能做什麼 Let me see you do another one.
我現在想不起來要做什麼 Well, what? i can't think of anything.
要不來點鮮花 Oh, come on. You know, how about some flowers?
讓我手中拿著一捧鮮花 Bunch of flowers in my hand.
真簡單 要不整間屋子都是鮮花 it's pathetic. How about room be covered in flowers?
別這樣 雷 Come on, Ray.
雷 來點有想像力的 Ray. Think of something more imaginative.
該死的 帕爾默 是你把骷髏丟出去的嗎 Bloody hell, Palmer. Did you just throw this out the window?
尼爾 是你丟的嗎 Neil. Did you throw this out the window?
真有趣啊 That's very funny.
你在這幹嘛 快回家去吧 我替你想個借口 What are you doing here? Go on, get on home. i'll cover for you.
天啊 Oh, my God.
這是我吃過最好吃的三明治 This is the best sandwich i've ever tasted.
早就告訴你了 Told you.
我們可以擁有一匹賽馬 You know what? We could own a racehorse.
雷 我們可以擁有全世界的賽馬 Ray, we could own every racehorse in the world.
太誇張了 No shit.
-我們每次都贏 -每次都贏 -We win every time? -They're all ours.
別想賽馬了 Let's forget about the horses.
尼爾 我們可以擁有一切 We could have anything, Neil.
財富 名望 女人 Wealth, fame. Women.
我們可以讓任何女人愛上我們 We could make any woman fall in love with us.
尼爾 任何我們想要的女人 Neil, any woman we want.
晚安 凱瑟琳 回頭見 Goodnight, Catherine. See you later.
上車吧 寶貝 Jump in, babe.
格蘭特 路邊求歡在這個國家是違法的 Kerb crawling is illegal in this country, Grant.
像我這種有權勢的人無所謂 That doesn't really apply to people with my security clearance.
而且 你怎麼回家你 Besides, how else are you going to get home?
我坐地鐵 請閃開 On the Tube. Go away.
倫敦的地鐵比關塔那摩監獄還糟糕 The London Underground is worse than anything we ever did in Guantanamo.
-你不用委屈自己 -那我也不想做你的車 -You don't deserve that. -No, i don't deserve this, either.
-請別煩我 -好的 沒問題 -Please, leave me alone. -OK, OK, i get it.
但請你溫柔的說話 好嗎 But you gotta let me down gently, huh?
什麼意思 What does that mean?
你心裏有別人了 Well, there's somebody else, right?
不 格蘭特 和這個無關 No, Grant, that's not what this is about.
那 it's...
你我之間不合適 You and i are not compatible.
我們可以喝著咖啡坐下來聊聊 So, we could grab some coffee, sit and talk.
有什麼用 我們沒什麼好聊的 What would that even achieve? There's nothing to talk about.
除了我為了我們租了一間豪華公寓 Except for the luxury apartment i rented for us.
能直接欣賞聖保羅大教堂的風景 it's got a view of St Paul's Cathedral.
天啊 快回家吧 格蘭特 Oh, my God. Go home, Grant.
-這是鑰匙 -我不要 -Here's the key. -i don't want it.
當我帶你去那之後 And when i get you up there,
你會認為你進天堂了 you're going to think you died and went to heaven.
-去他媽的 格蘭特 -去他媽的 格蘭特 -Fuck Grant. -Oh, yeah, fuck Grant.
去他媽的 格蘭特 Fuck Grant.
去他媽的 詹姆斯 克拉韋爾 Fuck James Cleverill.
去他媽的 所有電視製片人 Fuck all TV producers.
特別是那些想潛規則你的 Especially ones that say you can sleep with them.
前提是我要好好表現 But if i play my cards right.
為什麼我總碰見這些控制狂 Why do i always end up with the control freaks?
-或者是同性戀 -是的 -Or gays. -Yeah.
-誰 -樓上那位鄰居 -Who? -Him upstairs.
親愛的 他不是同性戀 Oh, honey, he's not gay.
他很有魅力 很友好 He's attractive. He's kind.
好吧 那去他媽的吧 Well, then, fuck him.
-不 他很好 -我不是說去他媽的 -No, he's nice. -No, i don't mean fuck him.
我是說和他嘿嘿嘿 i mean fuck him.
-和他嘿嘿嘿 -是的 -You mean fuck him? -Yeah.
-現在嗎 -不是現在 -What, right now? -No, not now.
先讓我幫你化化妝 You've got to let me do your make-up first.
故障 銀河系能源衰竭 Malfunction. Galactic power failure.
哥們 我們要暫停測試 Bother, we'll have to suspend the test.
-什麼 -一眨眼的功夫就好 -What? -This is on the blink, Sharon.
在我修好之前 那個地球人就得不到銀河系能源 The earthling won't have galactic power until i get it working again.
真煩人 Botheration!
我還覺得我們的銀河系能源永不枯竭呢 i thought our galactic powers meant we could do anything?
樓下的凱瑟琳 開始瘋狂的愛上我了 Catherine from downstairs, be madly in love with me.
速度真快啊 That was quick.
-嗨 -嗨 -Hi. -Hi.
-你不是同性戀 -絕對不是 -Um, you're not gay, are you? -No, no.
-我們去床上吧 -好的 -Let's go to bed. -OK.
糟糕 Oh, shit!
我的腿 Ow, my leg!
好了 Got it.
銀河系能源現在繼續像地球人傳輸 Galactic power now returning to earthling.
回去準備上班了 gone to ready for work
變成像在洛杉磯一樣的天氣 Weather, be like it is in Los Angeles.
我不是說現在洛杉磯的天氣 i didn't mean be like it is in Los Angeles right this moment.
真見鬼 這是洛杉磯的半夜 it's the middle of the night, for crying out loud.
變成像洛杉磯 Weather, be like it usually is
平時白天一樣的天氣 in Los Angeles during the day.
低調一點 So pedantic.
好的 All right.
衣服自動穿在我身上 Clothes, get dressed on me.
而且光鮮亮麗 And smarten yourselves up.
太好了 Better.
普林格爾女士 這真的 Miss Pringle, this really...
要停下來了 has to stop.
-哦 主啊 -哦 主啊 -Oh, Lord. -Oh, Lord.
很好 Yeah.
好的 Ah. OK.
真有趣 That was a very interesting... Ow! Ow!
別這樣行嗎 Could you just stop that, please?
別敲盤子了 我們休息一下 You, stop tapping.Let's just have a break, shall we? Just...
下本書是什麼 Right, what's next?
哦 Ooh.
這是本德語書 This one's in German. Wow.
讓我會德語 Let me be able to understand German.
丹尼斯 你在說什麼 What are you talking about, Dennis?
閉嘴 我自己能處理 Look, just shut up, OK? i can handle this.
她不是讓我娶她 She's not going to ask me to marry her.
或者要孩子 Or have my children, OK?
丹尼斯 你在說什麼 Dennis, what are you talking about?
這個主意不錯 你到底再說什麼 That's a good idea, actually. What are you talking about?
丹尼斯 你可以說話了 Dennis, be able to talk.
餅乾 Biscuits.
-什麼 -餅乾 -What? -Biscuits.
如果我讓她愛上我一點點 Maybe if i make her fall in love with me like a little bit, you know,
那樣他就不會要求我娶她了 so she doesn't want to marry me
-但她還要定期和我嘿嘿嘿 -餅乾 -but she would have sex on a regular... -Biscuits.
-天啊 它們在櫥櫃 -什麼它們 -For crying out loud, they're in the cupboard. -What are?
餅乾啊 果醬餅乾 焦糖餅乾 Biscuits. Red biscuits, black biscuits.
-其他事都不重要 -你整天就想餅幹嗎 -Nothing else matters. -is that all you think about?
當然了 就是餅乾 Yes, yes! Biscuits.
好吧 丹尼斯 變成一個有理智的動物 All right, Dennis, become a rational, thinking creature.
在我得到一塊餅乾前 我對任何事都無法集中注意力 Look, i just can't concentrate on anything until i've had one of those biscuits.
我知道這很瘋狂 但我覺得我確實迷上了餅乾 i know it's crazy but that's how it is. i guess i'm kind of hooked on them.
請給我一塊餅乾就好 So please give me just one biscuit,
那樣我就可以思考別的事情了 then i'll be able to think about something else.
有道理 That makes sense.
太好了 他去拿餅乾了 Oh, oh, oh! He's getting the biscuits! He's getting them! This is it!
耶 Yeah!
他去拿餅乾了 He's got them.
他拿餅乾了 他準備扔了 準備好接住餅乾 He's got them. He's going to throw one. Get ready, get ready. Here it comes.
嗯 Ah! Mmm. Mmm.
當個狗肯定很難 我從沒認為你有這麼多渴求慾望 God, it must be terrible being a dog. i never realised you had so many cravings.
-也比你和那個娘們強 -什麼娘們 -it's no worse than you and that bitch. -What bitch?
昨晚你們滾床單的那個娘們 the bitch you were shagging last night.
天啊 她不是娘們 她是個可愛的人類女性 Oh, my God. She's not a bitch, OK? She's a lovely human female.
而且我們不僅僅是滾床單 And we weren't just shagging.
沒事 我不介意抱著你的腿蹭一蹭 Right. Come to think of it, i wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now.
來個大腿舞怎麼樣 在你襪子上面 A little leg dance, huh? Just above the sock. (Laughing)
-呃 -怎樣啊 來吧 色老爹 -Ah... -How about it? Come on, Daddy. (Laughing)
我認為我把你變成一個有理性會思考的物種 i thought i turned you into a rational, thinking creature.
理性會思考的物種一樣有慾望 Rational, thinking creatures still have desires.
那我可以把你的慾望去掉 Oh, well, we can soon deal with that.
不 No!
-不 不要去掉我的慾望 -為什麼 -No, no, don't take my desires away from me. -Why not?
這是我活下去的理由 吃餅乾 蹭大腿 They're what makes my life worth living.Biscuits, shagging.
我不太喜歡和你交流談話 i don't think i like your conversation.
但我崇拜年 主人 我很愛你的 But i worship You, master. i love you so much.
-我無法承受讓你不開心 -我知道 -i can't bear displeasing You. -i... i know.
-當你衝我發脾氣的時候 -我知道 我也愛你 -My whole world collapses... -i know. Yes. i love you.
我的整個世界都崩塌了 ...when you're cross with me.
也許你不會說話更好 Look, maybe it was better when you didn't talk.
不要剝奪我理智會思考說話的能力 Oh, no, don't take away my power of speech now that i can think rationally.
那樣太才人了 That would be so cruel.
-有人按門鈴了 -不 -i heard the bell. Somebody at the door. -OK, no...
-有人按門鈴了 -不 丹尼斯 好狗狗 -The bell! Hey! The bell! -No, no. Dennis. Dennis, good dog.
-門鈴啊 -丹尼斯 -Hello, the bell! -Dennis... Dennis.
-有人按門鈴了 -保持安靜 -Hey, hey, somebody. -Just... Just quiet.
有人按門鈴了 There it goes again. Hey, hey, somebody at the door.
我又做錯什麼了嗎 Oh, no, have i done something wrong again?
保持安靜 明白了嗎 No, just... Just be quiet. Do you understand me?
只要你不生我的氣就好 Yes. Yes, anything to stop you being angry with me.
有人按門鈴了 The bell! There it goes again!
嗨 Hey, hey, hey, hey!
丹尼斯 聽著 Dennis, listen. Just listen, listen, listen, listen.
保持安靜 這是命令 Be quiet. That is an order.
好的 安靜 Right. Quiet.
我喜歡服從命令 尤其是你的命令 i like obeying orders, especially your orders.
好的 那就閉上你的狗嘴 Good. Well, then, shut the fuck up.
好的 閉上狗嘴 Right, right. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, right.
好孩子 Good boy.
天啊 我讓她這麼主動 Oh, God, i made her do it. i made her do it... i... OK. (Clears throat)
-嗨 -嗨 -Hi. -Hey.
-我能進來嗎 -當然 -Can i come in? -Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.
-關於昨晚 -怎麼了 -So, look, um, about last night... -Yes.
-你現在不方便嗎 -不 -is this a bad time? -No, no. No, no.
我只是不想讓你認為 OK. Um, i just... i don't want you to think
我是那種女人 that i, um, do that sort of thing all the time
因為我確實不是 because... Because i don't.
-我當時有點微醺 -這很正常 -Um... i was slightly drunk. -Yeah, well, i mean, naturally.
而且我們還不一定做過 Otherwise we probably wouldn't have done the thing with the...
-不 我不是那個意思 -什麼出格的事 -No, no, no, that's not what i mean. -...beard trimmer.
我確實喜歡你 很喜歡和你聊天 i mean, i like you. i, um, i've always really enjoyed talking to you.
我不該那麼直接的撲向你 i just... i probably wouldn't have jumped on you like that if i hadn't...
-像個蠑螈一樣 -就是那樣 -Been pissed as a newt? -Well, sort of.
沒事 我們忘記吧 就像從未發生過 Yeah, OK. Well, then, let's just forget it. it never... it never happened.
不 尼爾 這不是我的意思 No, no, no, that's not what i'm saying, Neil.
那你想幹嘛 Oh, well, um, what did you want, then?
尼爾 上她 Shag her, Neil!
那是丹尼斯 That's Dennis.
-丹尼斯 -他是個水管工 -Dennis? -Yeah. He is a plumber.
我的自來水管有些問題 Um, i'm having a few problems with my waterworks. My water pipes.
尼爾 上她 Shag her, Neil!
我最好趕緊過去 那是一種水管工用的特殊扳手 i'd better get him the shagger. it's a special wrench that plumbers use.
我讓你閉上狗嘴 i thought i told you to shut up.
抱歉 真的很抱歉 i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm really sorry, sorry.
你應該是一個理智會思考的物種 You're supposed to be a rational, thinking creature.
抱歉 控制不住自己 我還想蹭你的大腿 Sorry, sorry. Can't help myself. Sorry. Oh, dear. i wanna shag your leg.
現在不是說真心話的時候 Shh. it's not a great time, to be honest.
你要表現好的話就滿足你 Maybe later, if you behave.
哦 Oh...
找不到那種扳手 他只能用老的分離器了 Oh... Couldn't... Couldn't find the shagger, so he just went with the old decoupler.
尼爾 我愛你 i love you, Neil!
丹尼斯 閉嘴 Shut up, Dennis!
很奇怪吧 讓一個水管工閉嘴 it's odd, isn't it, shouting at the plumber like that?
但事實上 他是我的兄弟 這個水管工是我的兄弟 But, uh, the fact is he's my brother. The plumber is my brother.
尼爾 說你也愛我 Say you love me, Neil.
我們關係很好 And we're very close.
-天啊 羅西說的對 -羅西 -God, Rosie was right. -Rosie?
我能蹭你的大腿嗎 Please can i shag your leg?
天啊 尼爾 你在隔天早上就幹這個 Jesus, Neil, how could you? The next morning!
什麼 What? i...
-我怎麼總遇見這些怪人 -我不是怪人 -Why do i always end up with creeps? -i'm not a creep!
尼爾 這裏有隻貓 There was a cat, Neil! Neil! Hey, you, cat!
離我的花園遠點 尼爾 是只薑黃色的小貓 Stay out of my garden, go on! Neil, it's a ginger tom!
丹尼斯 變成一條蠢狗5分鐘 Dennis, be a dumb animal again for five minutes.
她認為我是同性戀 So she thinks i'm gay.
那又怎麼樣 i mean, so what, you know?
反正她也不想嫁個我或者和我生孩子 i mean, it means that she won't want to marry me or have my kids.
問題解決 Bingo. Problem solved.
謝謝你 丹尼斯 Thank you, Dennis.
凱瑟琳 Catherine!
讓我在公交車上 Um, me be on the bus.
我不是說在車頂上 是在車裏 Ah! i don't mean on the bus. i mean in the bus.
不是在引擎室 是在車廂裏 Not in the engine. in the passenger accommodation!
哦 Ow!
嘿 Hey!
凱瑟琳 Catherine!
哇 Whoa.
-雷 -你要讓普林格爾女士停下 -Ray. -You've gotta stop Miss Pringle.
她在整個學校佈滿了我的聖壇 She's... She's set up shrines all over the school.
在網上也有 There's even a website.
是你想讓她崇拜你的 Look, you wanted her to worship you, OK?
-不是這樣崇拜 -雷 我現在沒時間 -Not like this. -Ray, i don't have time for this.
等等 你的超能力沒消失吧 Wait, wait, wait. You haven't lost the powers, have you?
-我的超能力沒消失 -你的超能力消失了 -No, i haven't lost the powers. Ray. -You have. You've lost the...
-我的超能力沒消失 -那你就幫幫我 -i haven't lost the powers. -Do the thing.
雷 變成個鴨子 Ray, become a duck.
雷 冷靜點 變成一根香腸 Ray. Ray, stop it. Ray, stop it. Ray, stop it. Ray, become a sausage.
-我的超能力沒消失 -尼爾 他在那 -i haven't lost the powers, Ray, OK? This is... -Where is he, Neil?
這是他的車 Oh. That's his car.
讚美這輛雷的汽車 Oh. Behold the car of Ray!
-凱瑟琳 我們能談談嗎 -不 -Catherine, can we talk? -No.
但是我愛你 But i love you.
顯然你也愛丹尼斯 You also love Dennis, apparently.
-你從店裏拿的嗎 -這是我自帶的 -Did you take that off there? -Uh, no, this is mine.
-你的 -是的 -Yours? -Yeah.
丹尼斯不是你想的那樣 Look, you've got it all wrong about Dennis.
沒關係 你愛他 他愛你 i've nothing what so ever against Dennis. You love him, he loves you.
祝福你們連個 但是不要捎帶上我 i'm happy for both of you. Just don't bring me into it.
有些關於丹尼斯的事我要告訴你 Yeah, no, but there's something i need to tell you about Dennis.
你碰了 就要買下來 You are going to have to pay for that now that you've touched it.
-這是我自帶的 -不是 -it's mine! -No, it isn't.
尼爾 我聽到你們倆說的話了 Look, i heard what you said to each other, Neil.
有些關於丹尼斯很重要的事 你不知道 Yeah, look. There's something crucial about Dennis you don't know.
-嘿 -它不是一個人 -Hey! -He's not a man.
尼爾 我不想聽 i don't want to hear this, Neil.
但就想我說的 它不是一個人 i know, but i'm just saying, he's not a man.
我的天啊 Ow! Ah! Hell's tits!
-變態 -哦 -You pervert! -Ow!
你敢從我們店裏偷東西 You come in here and steal our stuff?
我跟你說了 這不是你們店的 i told you, that's not your sausage.
-這是我自帶的香腸 拿過來 -放手 -it is my sausage. Give it back. -Get off. Be careful, be careful.
-放手 -天啊 -Just let go! -Oh, God!
-給我80便士 -好吧 -Give me 80p. -Fine.
-我給你找零錢 -不用了 -i'll just get your change. -No, it's... Never mind. it's...
這是4.2英鎊 Well, no, cos it's $4.20.
-別找了 -作為小費太多了 -Keep it. -it's too much for a tip.
-隨你的便 -我也這麼想的 -Have it your way. -i should think so, too. Jesus.
香腸變成雷 Feck. Sausage, become Ray.
天啊 尼爾 你知道變成根香腸有多脆弱嗎 Jesus, Neil. Have you any idea how vulnerable a sausage feels?
他在那 There he is!
我先撤了 i'm off!
-離我遠點 你們這些瘋子 -雷 -Leave me alone, you nutters! -Ray! Ray!
找你的錢 你肯定餓了吧 Here you go. You must have been hungry.
很顯然 他不知道怎樣做好事 it's clear he has no idea of doing any good what so ever.
為什麼我們不能直接毀滅他們 Why can't we just get on with the destruction?
莫林 因為我們要照章辦事 Because there are rules, Maureen.
我們必須遵守銀河系理事會的章程 We must follow galactic procedure.
珍妮特 章程也沒阻止了你吃掉G4378區的居民 Rules didn't stop you from eating the inhabitants of G4378, Janet!
我記得他們很美味 嘎崩脆 They were delicious. Very crunchy, as i recall...
-驚喜吧 -天啊 -Surprise, surprise! -Oh, my God!
-不 -等等 凱瑟琳 -No! -Wait. Wait, wait. Catherine!
你真是瘋了 You're crazy, do you know that?
這是為愛瘋狂 Crazy in love, darlin'.
離開我的房間 格蘭特 Get out of my flat, Grant.
走不了啊 你已經把門鎖上了 Well, i can't because you've locked the door now, babe.
你怎麼進來就怎麼出去吧 Well, then, get out the way you got in.
別這樣好嗎 Oh, honey, come on, now. That ain't nice!
出去 格蘭特 我再也不想看到你 Just get out, Grant. i never want to see you again!
離開我的生活 Get out of my life!
出去 Get out!
快點開門吧 Come on, now, open the door.
不好意思 Sorry. Sorry about the noise.
至少不是狗叫 At least it wasn't barking.
一邊去 不是說你 Feck off. Not you.
-從前門出去 -親愛的 -Walk out the front door, OK? -Honey!
然後偷偷回我這 Then sneak in the back. Make your way up to my place. No moves.
-不會有什麼荒唐事發生 -讓愛增光添彩吧 -No, no, no funny business. -Come on. Let the love shine through.
你可以遠離他 You can just stay out of his way
-而我可以給你做晚飯 -要愛我 -and i will make you dinner. -Love me!
-我討厭們 -好吧 -i hate doors! -All right.
記得邀請丹尼斯 我們要表現得像個大人 But invite Dennis. We'll behave like grown-ups.
-凱瑟琳 -好的 -Catherine? -OK.
-凱瑟琳 回來 -我要走了 -Catherine, come back. -i'm leaving!
等等我 我馬上出來 OK. i'm coming! Hold on. Wait for me, now.
她要來吃晚飯 She's coming to dinner!
這集是關於小狗的幻想 This episode looks at doggy fantasies.
嗨 這才剛開始呢 Whoa. Hey! it was just about to start.
她要來吃晚飯了 She's coming to dinner.
-誰 -凱瑟琳 -Who? -Catherine.
哦 那個娘們 Oh, the bitch.
別那樣叫她 也不希望你瞎攙和 Don't call her that, all right? i don't want you chipping in, either, OK?
再變成一隻蠢狗就好 Just pretend to be a dumb animal again.
我變成一隻蠢狗 Me? A dumb animal?
你知道如何假裝 對嗎 Yeah, well, you know how to pretend, don't you?
就是表演 it's just... it's called acting.
就像給我撓肚子一樣嗎 Oh, you mean like when i'm having my tummy tickled?
-你喜歡我給你撓肚子 -我不喜歡 -You love having your tummy tickled. -No, i don't.
-什麼 -是假的 沒有狗喜歡撓肚子 -What? -it's a sham, Neil. All dogs do it.
-為什麼 -為什麼人類喜歡給狗撓肚子 -Why? -Why do humans like tickling dogs' tummies?
因為狗喜歡被撓肚子 Because they love having their tummies tickled.
狗因為人類喜歡撓它們的肚子 才假裝喜歡撓肚子 Uh-uh. Dogs pretend to like it because they know human beings like doing it.
那你就假裝變成一條普通的狗 Well, just pretend to be a perfectly ordinary dog, OK?
我能和你們聊會天嗎 Can't i join in the conversation just a little bit?
-不 -真沒人性 -No. -That is so cruel.
有人按門鈴了 Somebody at the door! Hey! Hey! it's the bell! it's the bell! it's the bell! it's the bell!
-我知道 丹尼斯 -不好意思 -i know it's the bell, Dennis. -Right. No, no, sorry.
你再出聲 我就給你按上滅蚤頸圈 Just one more peep out of you, OK, and the flea collar is going back on again.
好的 不好意思 Right, right, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
來聲狗叫 Bark.
汪 Woof.
用正確的狗叫 Do it properly.
就是這樣 Yeah, good. OK, thank you.
來了 Got it.
-嗨 -他走了嗎 -Hi. -Has he gone?
我覺得沒有 No, i don't think so.
-哦 -丹尼斯 坐下 -Ooh! -Dennis, down.
你因為水管工才給它起的這個名字吧 You named him after the plumber, then, did you?
呃 Uh...
你想撓肚子嗎 Ah. Do you want your tummy tickled?
為什麼狗都喜歡撓肚子 Why do dogs like that so much?
我不清楚 i don't know.
製作人承諾讓我調離綜合辦公室 So the producer promises to take me out of the general office
給我一間風景優美的獨立辦公室 但其實 and give me a big desk with a view, but he won't.
他只是想讓我上他的床 He's just trying to get me into bed.
你想告訴我什麼 What did you want to tell me?
先嘗嘗蔬菜湯 Uh, just try this first.
嗯 Mmm.
太棒了 Oh, that's incredible.
這是我吃過最好吃的東西 That's the most wonderful thing i've ever tasted in my life.
沒想到你有這麼棒的廚藝 Mmm. i had no idea you were such a fantastic cook.
這是什麼 我從來沒吃過這種口味 i've... i've... it's unlike anything i've ever tasted. What is it?
我只要說 讓湯變成凱瑟琳這輩子吃過最好吃的東西 i just said, "Let the soup be the most amazing thing Catherine has ever tasted,
而且從來沒吃過這種口味 "unlike anything she's tasted before."
-就完事了 -真的 -And it is. -Really?
真的 我可以心想事成 Really. i can make things happen. Anything.
這就是我今天早上想對你說的 That's what i was trying to tell you this morning, you know?
我並不是和一個同性戀水管工說話 i wasn't talking to a live-in homosexual plumber.
我是和丹尼斯說話 i was talking to Dennis.
-這條狗 -丹尼斯的確是狗 -The dog? -Dennis the dog.
-是誰回應你的 -是我讓它說話的 -Who answered you back? -Yeah, because i made him talk.
-哦 -用我的超能力 -Oh. -With my powers.
超能力 Special powers?
你想要一間大辦公室 搞定 i mean, what, you... You want a bigger desk? You got it.
還要風景優美 搞定 You want a great view? You got it.
尼爾 你有超能力多久了 Um... Neil, how long have you had these special powers?
來的很突然 Well, they came upon me very suddenly.
-很突然 -我當時被車撞了 -Very suddenly? -Yeah, i was knocked off my bike.
告訴我你想要的任何東西 Just ask me to do something, anything.
-隻要是你想要的 -尼爾沒關係的 -Just, you know... -Listen, Neil, it's... it's OK.
按時吃藥 病還能好 You can get help with this.
混蛋 Son of a bitch!
哦 Oh!
你來幹什麼 Shit, Grant!
我先撤了 i'm out of here!
-你還說心裏沒別人 -他是誰 -There's nobody else, huh? -Who is this guy?
她沒告你你嗎 我是她未婚夫 She didn't tell you? i'm her fiance.
-你不是我未婚夫 -是嗎 -You're not my fiance, Grant. -Oh, yeah?
你竟然對這種挫男投懷送抱 And you weren't just making out with this apology of a man?
別這樣 Stop this.
你知道你能在戰場上存活多久嗎 You know how long you'd last on a battlefield, soldier?
尼爾 很抱歉 i'm sorry, Neil.
-就這麼短 -我警告你 -That long. -i'm warning you.
-你警告我 -是的 我警告你 -You're warning me? -Yeah, i'm warning you.
這是誰啊 Who is this guy?
-再囂張啊 -格蘭特 -Why don't you suck on this, asshole? -Grant!
我沒說什麼啊 All i have to do is go like this and... And say what?
-你從哪找的這娘娘腔 -格蘭特 放下槍 -Where did you find this fruitcake? -Put that away, Grant.
我能說什麼 讓格朗特變成僊女嗎 Uh, what can i say? Grant, become a fairy?
是格蘭特 不是格朗特 it's Grant, not... (British accent)...Grant.
-別這樣 -你才是僊女 -Stop it. -And you're the goddamn fairy.
要不讓格朗特哪來的回哪去吧 How about Grant go back to where you came from?
-是格蘭特 -要不親我屁股吧 格朗特 -it's Grant. -How about kiss my arse, Grant?
尼爾 他瘋了 Neil, don't. He's crazy.
要不你說 格蘭特 請你別打爆我的腦袋 How about you say, "Please, Grant, don't put a bullet through my brain?"
-格蘭特 別這樣 -我更想說 我有反彈能力 -Grant, stop it! -i prefer, "Let all bullets bounce off me."
-開槍吧 -你倆都瘋了 -Go on, shoot me. -Oh, my God. You're both crazy.
-他沒膽子 -尼爾 別這樣 -He doesn't dare. -Neil, please, please.
格朗特 有本事開槍啊 Go on, pull the trigger. What's the matter, "Grant"?
-閉嘴 -開槍啊 -Shut up. -Go on, shoot me.
-他會開槍的 -他不會 -Neil, he will. -No, he won't.
-我會的 -你不會 格朗特扔掉槍 -Yes, i will. -No, you won't. Grant, drop the gun.
你這混蛋 You little shit!
你兩個都是白癡 You're idiots, both of you.
我要是你就不這樣做 i wouldn't do this if i were you.
我要是你就不這樣做 "i wouldn't do this if i were you."
真討厭英國腔 God, i hate the English.
如果格朗特再掐我 就讓他的手臂斷掉 Let Grant's arm break if he tries to throttle me.
閉嘴 是格蘭特 Shut up. it's Grant!
哦 Oh!
救命 Help! Help! Help!
是誰說話 Who the heck was that?
是丹尼斯 Uh, that's Dennis.
嗷 Ow.
就是條狗 你這英國佬 it's just a dog! English dick.
-嗷 我的手臂怎麼了 -斷掉了 -Ow! Ow... Shit! Shit! What happened? -Yeah, yeah.
-你想不疼了嗎 -疼死了 -Do you want me to make it better? -(Groaning) it hurts.
格朗特手臂恢復如初 Grant's arm be better.
這是什麼鬼 Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, what is this?
讓格朗特吸在天花板上 Grant be stuck on the ceiling.
見鬼 Oh, shit!
讓格朗特貼在牆上 Grant be plastered to the wall.
等等 我們好好談談 Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk about this.
讓格朗特來個頭栽蔥 Grant be buried head first in the plant pot.
什麼頭栽蔥 What do you mean, potted plant?
格朗特站在我面前 Grant be standing in front of me.
格朗特 你最好老實點 Yeah. You wanna be nice to me, Grant, OK?
這樣就能好好談談了 Maybe i can help you.
-你 -我可以讓你生不如死 -You? -i could make your life absolutely hell
或者可以讓你手捧百萬美金 or i could say, "Grant be holding a million dollars."
太好了 Oh, yeah!
也可以讓百萬美金消失 Or i could say, "A million dollars, disappear."
別這樣 Fuck! Come on!
我只要揮揮手就可以為所欲為 i can do anything. All i have to do is wave my hand.
-揮揮手就行 -是的 -You gotta wave your hand? -That's right.
他很棒吧 我愛你主人 isn't he great? i love you. i love you so much.
-丹尼斯 你別瞎摻和 -但你確實很棒主人 -Dennis, keep out of this. -But you are great, Neil.
-你可以為所欲為 -閉嘴 -You can do anything. -Dennis, shut up. i'm not...
主人 Master! Neil!
-決定好了嗎 -要不就今晚 -Hi. Made your mind up yet? -How about tonight?
真是個懂事的姑娘 晚上八點去我家 Good girl. 8:.00, my place.
反正也找不到好男人 Yeah. i always pick the wrong guy, anyway.
我給你換辦公室了 Oh, and, uh, i got you a new desk.
嘿 Hey!
是時候了 當我把那個口塞球拿走以後 Well, it's about time. Now, listen up. When i take that gag out of your mouth,
你要準確的說出那張紙上的願望 you're going to say exactly what's on that piece of paper, you understand?
你說錯一個字 我就殺了這條狗 The moment you say a word that is not on that piece of paper, i kill the dog.
別讓他殺我 Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
點頭示意你明白了 Understand? Nod if you understand.
我要把口塞球拿走了 記住 說錯一個字 OK. OK. i'm going to take the gag out now. Remember, one wrong word
我就殺了這條狗 and the dog gets it.
快點說一號項目 OK, read. item number one, let's go. Come on.
一號項目 所有英國佬 "item number one.All pasty white Englishmen...
所有英國佬男人長出大耳朵 和生蹼的腳 "Pasty white Englishmen to get big ears and webbed feet?"
-現在揮揮手 -什麼 -Now wave your hand. -What?
揮揮手 Wave your hand!
哦 Oh!
真美啊 Yes! Yes! Oh, it's beautiful.
尼爾 Neil! Neil!
尼爾 Neil?
哦 Oh!
你不崇拜我對吧 You don't worship me, do you?
什麼 你是雷 What? Ray. You're Ray.
-我找不到尼爾 -他不在這嗎 -i can't find Neil. -isn't he here?
他也沒在學校 He wasn't at school, either.
我把他和我的瘋狗前男友留在一起了 Oh, i left him with my crazy, gun-toting ex-boyfriend.
-尼爾有超能力 -我知道 -Neil's got these powers. -No, i know, i know.
哦 Oh.
他讓普林格爾女士崇拜我 現在她都創立宗教了 He got Miss Pringle to... To worship me and now she's turned me into a religion.
-他們認為我是神 -那又怎樣 -They think i'm immortal. -So what?
他們想讓我用起死回生來證明 They want me to prove it by rising from the dead.
我們要找到尼爾 We've got to find Neil.
等等 Wait.
嗨 Hey! Hey!
你在幹嘛 What are you doing?
不 No...
找到了 Got it.
-你的車在哪 -怎麼了 -Where's your car? -Why?
我知道他們在哪了 i know where they are.
車就在這 糟糕 it's just out here. We can... Shit!
主啊 Lord.
快跑吧 Oh, no. Run for it!
快去追上主 Get him! Lord!
耶 Yeah!
幹的不錯 繼續讀三號項目 This is working beautifully. OK, keep going. Number three. Let's go.
三號項目 所有英國警察都穿粉色制服 OK. "Three. All British police to have pink uniforms."
這是我個人最喜歡的 My personal favourite.
雷 Ray!
主啊 回到我們身邊 Lord! Come to us!
雷 Ray! Ray!
什麼情況 What's this all about?
趕緊換衣服 Take that off!
他在那 There he is!
真妖艷啊 Oh! Oh... Oh, it's beautiful.
難以置信啊 繼續下一條吧 i can't believe it. All right, next one.
快點讀出來 Come on, read.
所有信號燈永遠變成綠色 "Let all traffic lights be permanently set on green."
這真是 Come on. That's just...
嘿 Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.
快點揮手 Huh? Do it, do it.
等等 先聽著 Wait. Now, listen.
好吧 All right.
格蘭特 你在裏面嗎 Grant, are you in there?
快點 直接讀最後一條 Skip to the end. Hurry up. Just skip to the end!
快點 直接讀最後一條 Skip to the end. Just... There. Come on, quick. Read it.
第417號項目 凱瑟琳 韋斯特 Uh, uh... OK, OK, "item 41 7, Catherine West..."
-快點 -好的 -Come on. -All right.
格蘭特 放開他們 Let them go, Grant.
為什麼 尼爾 快點讀出最後一條項目 Why should i? Go on, Neil. Read the last item.
第417號項目 凱瑟琳 韋斯特會瘋狂的愛上格蘭特 卡柴夫上校 "item 41 7, Catherine West be madly, deeply in love with Colonel Grant Kotchev
像頭發情的母熊一樣 "and leap on him like a tigress begging for sex."
-你這混蛋 -快點揮手 -You bastard. -Now, come on, now.
快點揮手 Wave your hand. Come on.
-尼爾 別這樣 -我要殺狗了 -Neil, don't! -Or the dog gets it!
別讓他殺我 Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
趕緊揮手 Come on, wave your goddamn hand!
但我不愛他 我都不想靠近他 But i don't want to love him, Neil. i don't want to go anywhere near him.
我不想死 i don't wanna die.
耶 Yeah.
格蘭特 我愛你 我們嘿嘿嘿吧 Grant, i love you. Please, please, let's have sex now.
太好了 Oh, yeah.
丹尼斯 鬆綁 Dennis, be free.
我自由了 i'm free! i'm free!
快點 Please.
-格朗特變成柯基犬 -什麼 -Grant become a corgi! -What?
糟糕 Oh, shit.
格蘭特 快點吧 Do it. Do it, Grant.
快點吧 Do it, do it!
給我鬆綁 Me be free.
太好了 主人 Yes, yes! Master.
-是的 -你對我比對那娘們還好 -Yeah. -You chose to save me rather than that bitch.
別那麼叫她 凱瑟琳變回原來的自己 Yeah, don't call her that. Catherine be her normal self and not in love with Grant.
呃 Ugh!
格朗特的所有項目全部取消 And all Grant's wishes be cancelled.
-雷 -糟糕 -(Miss Pringle) Ray! -(Neil) Oh, shit.
放開我 Oh, no. Get off me!
尼爾 快阻止他們 Neil, stop them!
主啊 請向我們展示戰勝死亡的神跡 Lord, show us how to conquer death!
桃樂茜 普林格爾 變回原來的你 Dorothy Pringle, think about Ray the way that you used to.
-雷 你幹了什麼 -跟我沒關係啊 -What the hell, Ray? -(Ray) it was nothing to do with me.
滾一邊去 怪咖 Get lost, you creep!
-謝謝 -所有人忘記雷 -(Ray) Thank you. -Everyone else, forget about Ray.
太謝謝你了 尼爾 Thanks, Neil. Thanks a whole bunch.
雷 你能帶我回家嗎 Ray, could you take me home, please?
好的 Sure.
我很抱歉 i'm... i'm sorry...
有想法嗎 Any thoughts?
-可憐蟲 -他對善惡沒有概念 -Pathetic! -He has no concept of good or evil.
不過這些狗倒是不錯 Well, the dogs seem all right.
這些狗是不錯 我就不是不理解這些人類 Yes, yes, the dogs are all right. it's the people i can't stand.
嗨 凱瑟琳 Oh, hey. Catherine, hi.
那晚很抱歉 我能給你做頓晚飯嗎 Hey, sorry about the other night. it was... Can i cook you supper?
-不用 尼爾 -我可以給你烤只乳豬 -Uh, no, thanks, Neil. -i'm doing a whole suckling pig.
-不 -到底怎麼了 -No. -Hey, what's the matter?
是不是我讓你撲向格朗特的緣故 is it because i made you throw yourself at Grant?
你做了你該做的 沒事了 No. Look, you did what you had to do. it worked. Forgotten.
到底怎麼了 Well, what is it, then?
你知道被人控制的感覺嗎 Do you know what it feels like to be in someone else's power?
完全沒有意識 To have no will of your own?
我以為你愛上我 Look, i thought that i made you love me.
-什麼 -是因為我的超能力 -What? -You know, with my powers.
天啊 Oh, my God.
我今晚早回家 是我自己想的還是你用超能力了 Did i really come home early tonight because i wanted to or did you make me?
我到底一直住在這裏 還是你搞的鬼 Have i always lived opposite you or have you somehow rearranged things?
-我永遠不會知道 -我愛你 -i'm never going to know. -Look, i love you.
有哪個女人會愛上一個能對她為所欲為的男人 How could any woman love a man who could make her do whatever he wants,
而且是每時每刻直到永遠 any second, every day, forever?
抱歉 尼爾 我永遠都不會愛你 Look, i'm sorry, Neil, i could never love you, not in a million years.
凱瑟琳 Oh! Catherine...
莎倫 壞消息 Sharon, Sharon, terrible news!
確實是個壞消息 This is indeed grave news.
似乎好人加特 it appears that the Salubrious Gat has been
干擾了我們的翻譯設備 interfering with our translation devices.
莎倫 他做了什麼 What's he done, Sharon?
珍妮特 恐怕我們一直再用一些 i'm afraid, Janet, that we have been calling ourselves
地球人愚蠢的名字稱呼自己 by foolish-sounding earthling names.
而且還是女性的名字 Female ones, at that.
似乎地球上澳大利亞的女人對莎倫這個名字情有獨鍾 it seems that Sharon is particularly favoured among female earthlings from Australia
太丟人了 The shame of it.
莎倫 我們該稱呼你什麼 Sharon... i mean, what should we be calling you?
叫我暗黑死神 Call me the Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.
遵命 死神 Yes, oh, Death-Dealer.
主人 華夫餅不錯 Great waffles, master.
誰在乎華夫餅 Who cares about waffles?
凱瑟琳討厭我 雷討厭我 所有人都討厭我 Catherine hates me. Ray hates me. Everybody hates me.
我不討厭你 而且我在乎華夫餅 i don't hate you and i care about waffles.
我覺得即使是果醬餅乾也比不上華夫餅 i think i like them even more than biscuits, even red biscuits.
你知道最糟的是什麼嗎 這全是我的錯 You know what the worse thing is, Dennis? This is all my fault.
嗯 Mmm-hmm?
我一直在想自己用超能力 You know, i was just thinking about myself, what i could get.
能得到什麼 And yet with these powers, you know,
我可以用超能力解決世界上所有問題 i could have solved every problem in the world.
-我可以讓所有人快來 -你沒讓凱瑟琳快樂 -i could have made people happy. -You couldn't make Catherine happy.
那是因為我想讓她愛上我 我太自私了 Yeah, because i wanted her to love me. You know, i was being selfish.
比如說世界飢餓問題 i mean, take world hunger, You know? Uh...
讓每個人都能吃飽喝足 Let everybody in the world have as much food as they want.
比如說流浪漢問題 讓每個人居有定所 i mean, take homelessness. Let everybody in the world have somewhere to live.
不 讓每個人能住上他們想要的房子 No, no, no, live in their dream house.
無意義的戰爭問題 全部結束 And war, senseless war, over forever.
讓每個人都沒有任何戰爭的理由和借口 Let there be no reason for anyone to make war on anyone any more.
耶 Yay! (Yelps)
還有逆轉全球變暖的趨勢 Oh, and reverse global warming.
都發生了嗎 Has it happened?
世界各國發生多起神秘事件 The latest nation to succumb to the sudden mysterious
天朝食物供應量位居世界前列 exponential growth in world food supplies is China,
平均300磅體重的人口持續增加 where the average weight is now 300 pounds and rising.
野外聚餐的學生 Well, today a party of picnicking schoolchildren brought down
長度超過一英里 a mile-long section of the Great Wall of China.
流浪漢問題已成為歷史 As homelessness becomes a thing of the past,
最不發達的撒哈拉沙漠地區 the last undeveloped area of the Sahara Desert
現在成為宜居的社區 has become a gated community known as Beau Geste Towers.
南極洲正在進行土地開發建設 Property developers are now converging on Antarctica.
-至少我讓世界和平了 -這點不錯 -Well, i mean, at least i got rid of war. -Whoa, that was a good one.
讓每個人都沒有戰爭的理由 "Let there be no reason to make war..."
讓每個人都沒有戰爭的理由 -"T o make war on anyone any more." -"...on anyone any more."
這能有什麼錯 How could that go wrong?
沒有任何理由地 新西蘭對冰島宣戰 For no reason at all, New Zealand has declared war on Iceland.
天啊 Oh, wow. Oh, dear.
巴巴多斯沒有任何理由地對索馬裏宣戰 Barbados has declared war on Somalia. And in a surprise move,
聖基茨和尼維斯小島國沒有任何理由地對全世界宣戰 the tiny island of St Kitts and Nevis has declared war on the entire rest of the world.
我們的戰地記者現在無法發表評論 Our war correspondent says he is unavailable for comment
因為他正奔走於各地爆發戰爭的地方 because he 's too busy covering all the other wars which have just broken out
而且都是毫無理由的戰爭 for no reason at all.
不久前 科學家們對全球氣候變暖的趨勢表示擔憂 A short time ago, scientists were afraid of constantly rising global temperatures.
-但是他們對突然逆轉的氣候現象 -天啊 -But none of them have any explanation... -Oh, my God.
-沒有任何解釋 -全球變暖問題 -... for this sudden return... -Global warming.
不是說地球進入冰河時期 而是變成5億年前的雪球地球 ... not only to the last ice age but to a snowball Earth of half a billion years ago.
另一方面 南極洲推遲建立名為 On the other hand, plans to turn the Antarctic into the Captain Scott gated community
-史葛船長的宜居社區的計劃 -糟糕 -have been put on hold... -Shit!
-糟糕 -做好事真不容易 -Shit, shit, shit! -Oh, it's not so easy trying to do good, is it?
真不公平 Yeah, but this is just unfair.
讓所有的一切回歸正軌 Let everything go back to how it was before i started trying to make
讓每個人都開心快樂 everything better for everybody.
從太空看地球真美 Beautiful though the Earth looks from space,
我們都知道它很脆弱 也知道人類給它的傷害 we all know how fragile it is, how much damage human beings have done to it
而且還會繼續傷害它 and will, it seems, continue to do to it.
超能力不會消失 快逼瘋我了 Absolute power doesn't corrupt. it just drives you bloody mad.
-告訴凱瑟琳我愛他 -別這樣 主人 我愛你 -Tell Catherine i love her. -Don't do it, master. i love you!
我給你做好了大量餅乾的安排 i've made arrangements for your biscuits.
你再也不用擔心吃不到餅乾的問題了 You'll never have to worry about them again.
你是最仁慈的主人 You're the kindest master.
閉嘴 我沒法集中注意力了 Just shush, OK? i can't concentrate.
-主人 你不愛我嗎 -丹尼斯 我無法擔當 -Master, don't you love me? -i can't stand it, Dennis.
我無法擔當如此重任 i just... i can't stand the responsibility.
你的傻狗腦一定要明白 You need to get that into your stupid dog brain.
尼爾 Neil!
我來救你了 主人 i'll save you, master. Here i come!
我不會游泳啊 快救我 主人 Oh, wait a second. i can't swim. Master, help! Woof!
救命啊 Help! Help! Oh, dear. Woof! Woof!
謝謝你 主人 Oh, there you are. Thank you, master.
真感謝你 Bless you!
你確實愛我 主人 You do love me, master.
我當然愛你丹尼斯 我只是不愛我自己 Of course i love you, Dennis. i just don't love myself.
時間到 準備啟動毀滅發生器 Time's up! Prime the Destruction Generator.
-等等 -怎麼了 -Hang on. -What?
我們要檢查一下他是否通過了測試 We need to check if he's passed the test.
-他發起了那些戰爭 -說得好 -Well, he did start all those wars. -That was good.
-但他又阻止了他們 -為什麼 -But then he stopped them all. -But why?
他說他希望讓每個人都開心快樂 He said he was trying to make things better for people.
真可怕 That's very appalling.
唯一的善事就是毀滅 唯一的邪惡就是懦弱 The only good is to destroy. The only evil is weakness.
必須消滅懦弱 Weakness must be annihilated!
同意 讓這個地球人和他可憐的星球蒸發吧 Agreed. Vaporise the earthling and his wretched planet.
早就告訴你了 I told you so.
重新準備啟動毀滅發生器 Reprime the Destruction Generator.
尼爾 再打一遍 Try her again, Neil. Go on.
-她不想理我 -那就放棄你的超能力 -She... She won't have me. -Then, give up the powers.
-做不到 -那就把超能力給我 -i can't. -Then, give them to me.
你雖然放棄了超能力 但是你知道超能力在哪 You wouldn't have the powers but you'd know where they were.
而且作為一條狗 我唯一想做的就是服從命令 And being a dog, all i want to do is follow orders.
我會聽從你的命令 i'll do what you tell me to.
-丹尼斯 你真是個天才 -想法不錯吧 -Dennis, you're a genius. -Not bad, huh?
暗黑死神 毀滅發生器充能完畢 Destruction Generator already charged, Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.
毀滅地球3秒計時 Destroy the planet Earth on the count of three,please.
啟動毀滅計時 Commencing destruction.
1 one
我們語言的數字發音真是太長了 it is a curse that our numerals take so long to pronounce.
就像這樣揮揮手就行 Uh, yeah, it's like, uh, you just wave your hand, like that.
我感覺到了 i feel it. Wow!
那你想幹嘛 要吃餅幹嗎 Yeah. There you go. So what's it going to be? Biscuits?
超能力讓你很痛苦 But the power made You miserable.
但是我沒超能力了 讓樹變成埃菲爾鐵塔 Yeah, but i don't have them any more, do i? Look, tree become Eiffel Tower.
看到了吧 See?
丹尼斯 你在想什麼 What are you thinking, Dennis?
2 two
主人 原諒我 Forgive me, master.
等等 你要幹嘛 What? Wait, wait. What are you going to do?
-3 -就這句說的短 -three -That's the only short one.
如果我有超能力 就讓提供超能力的人都永遠消失吧 if i have any power, let the source of that power be destroyed, forever!
那條狗說了什麼 what did the dog say?
那條狗真邪惡 that dog's evil
讓著一切變的整齊有序 All this marking be suddenly finished and neatly stacked up.
讓菲奧娜 布萊克威爾走開 Fiona Blackwell, go away.
別說話 Oh, shh, shh. Shush, shush, shush.
菲奧娜 真高興見到你 Fiona! How lovely to see you.
好消息 我恢復視力了 Hey, great news. i got my sight back.
我覺得我聽到凱瑟琳了 Hey, i think i hear Catherine.
-凱瑟琳 -嗨 -Catherine. -Hi.
把這些信件變成黃瓜 Hey. Um, look. Letters become cucumbers.
讓我們站在泰坦尼克號的船頭 Us be on the prow of the Titanic.
我沒有超能力了 i got rid of the powers.
印象深刻 i'm impressed.
你有空能和我吃頓晚飯嗎 Yeah. So i thought maybe we could have some dinner sometime?
-也許吧 -好的 -Yeah, maybe, yeah. -OK.
-今晚怎麼樣 -我半小時後就下來 -How about tonight? -i'll be down in half an hour.
我們要去吃完飯了 我會給你倆帶飯回來的 We're going out to dinner. i'll bring you both back a doggy bag.
-我覺得我最好別再說話 -丹 把我變回來 -i suppose i'd better keep my mouth shut. -Turn me back, Den.
我就喜歡你這小短腿的樣子 i can't. i like you as you are. Those stubby legs. Look at you.
-我不是狗 我是人 -嗨 沒人是完美無缺的 -i'm not a dog, i'm a man. -Hey, nobody's perfect.
老大 這就是吃餅乾的聲音 你聽聽看 This is chewing a biscuit, boss. i'll try and give you that right now,
等等 hold one second.
太好了 果醬餅乾 Oh, red biscuit. Great.
不 No! No!
好了 Oh, got it.
發出舔人的聲音 Licking. Licking somebody.
這不是黃片 現在是蹭大腿的聲音 This is like porn. Now a shagging noise.
都有反應了 Oh, look. There's the red bit.
就是這樣 Oh, there, oh, right, oh...
完事了 i'm done.
太棒了 OK, great.
這段吃餅乾的聲音能用半小時 That's enough chewing biscuits for fucking half an hour.